Dissociative.

..binaural sonicscape
a dissociated dummy inert
theta state ape
tunnel vision insert..

Dreaming to Brahms

Two violins, cello and viola in B minor opus 115 - allegro.. painting an  iridescent sonicscape...
No sound escapes my lips..
I stare at the sound in sightless wonder..
..It is textured.
...
     So many emotions and thoughts rushing through.. most a fleeting glimpse  before it is lost into the abyssic depths of my mind..all in the name of progress...did understand the beauty of a
raindrop once.. god in the details? layers of acres of fields of pain....beautiful pain.. for darkest skies... so much beautiful love in the world..
..such a haunting clarinet.. pain flowing through like an everlasting
stream.. so aware.. so awake.. such beautiful miserable pain.. I can
touch it if I move my hand in front of me... in swooping motions... the
timbre.. so lush ...so.....sensual.
    Black and vivid.. the strings all fall in place.. the sound of the
music rushing through my mind....bass notes humming to itself.. rumbling
and crashing on a sea of my making... the tears still stream
down..sometimes... I wipe them semi-ashamed... So much colorful love in
me I feel.. yet I am unable to paint a portrait.. maybe I don't really
feel love.. maybe I imagine it.. I walk through a forest
of fog and mist..pick up a wild berry....pearly dew on the surface.. so
lucid and crystal...diamonds.. on an opalescent shimmering surface.. I
touch it and it explodes.. a million shards of sparkling beauty..what
are these esoteric emotions...
    Fragments...her opium eyes looking up through raven fire.. a
questioning look... and textured waterfalls of darkness weaving in and
waving out and cascading around..
Nothing else here just me, the rain and Brahms.

Despondency

Long days are gone.. Yet remain a hint of the greys... I cannot remember the last time I had the patience and the drive to write something... something greater and deeper than lethargy has set in.. All those thoughts are so loud..I don't even want to hear it.. I see why people sometimes wish they didn't know what they never knew.. Why is it that now I don't feel the need to even utter words?.. I no longer feel it is necessary to know things.. Am I of the school that finds bliss in ignorance?... What state of mind is this? Is this something everyone feels thus nullifying my individuality? Am I after all just like everyone else....? Am I just trying to find my 'identity' and 'individuality'?... Things happening about this world does not interest me.. So am I truly of the ignorant?... Do these things pop in your average person's head? How honest am I? How much do I know about the world around me that I go about questioning things... Is a basic level of knowledge a prerequisite to pose questions? Why the superiority? What does really go in here when the 250+ bpm blast beats rip through... Is this confusion? ...Why this solace in the dark?.. Words that go unspoken say far more than most words that *are* spoken..
Silence to me is the fading away of the ringing sound.. The clarity of the period in between the next blast beat... It's the shimmering surface on which my mind glides... It's the period in between a girl on the street casually noticing you and the second interested look...It's the night.. It's the rain.. It's the howling wind...er.. Ahem.. Got carried away there....ah Well I'm smitten by the dark one... ah the sheer beauty of intelligence.. Always humbles me and brings me to my knees.... For now... I am smitten..